What I've learned since my twenties

1. You are not your job. Even when you work into the night and on evenings. You are more.

2.  You can learn new stuff. Knitting, dragonboating, pilates, half-marathon running. Breastfeeding. Ikea furniture construction.

3. Wine tastes good.

4. You can rely on your parents and family for the hard stuff. You can be vulnerable and flawed, and they will still be your biggest cheerleaders.

5. Marriage doesn't solve everything. Either do the perfect job, pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, quitting your job, losing five pounds, and having a clean house.

6. Long car rides are the best therapy.

7. Most arguments, hang-ups, and worries will indeed fade in time.

8. These things are worth it: hiring out housecleaning, prewashed lettuce, any kind of travel, really good olive oil, getting up early (unfortunately), pedicures.

9. A little lipstick improves your day by 25 percent.

10. Life is holy. And hard. And lovely. And sometimes just is.

Ugly thoughts

I had postpartum depression (PPD) starting when Soren was about 3 weeks old. (Side note: Did you know 10-15% of women self-report experiencing PPD yet only 15% of those are treated?*) Luckily I recognized almost right away that the horrible feelings--deep sadness, anxiety, inability to concentrate, lack of bonding--were indeed PPD, and I had lots of help getting better.

One of the ugliest parts of the experience, other than the complete lack of joy at having a new, adorable baby, was the jarring, often violent thoughts of harm coming to my child. I had clear visions of Erik dropping the baby over cement and the aftermath. I dreamed repeatedly that I forgot my child--in the car, or even that I had a child at all. But the worst was the thought that I had when I plummeted to my lowest: it was of my hurling my own baby over our porch railing like a football.

Shocking and unpleasant, I know. Thankfully, I had a therapist who helped me see that these thoughts did not mean that I was actually going to follow through on these actions. (Doctors and therapists had ruled out the more serious and very rare postpartum psychosis, in which case these images would have been alarming indeed.) She explained that our minds know the most horrible thought that we can think, and when our defenses are down when we have PPD and crazy hormones and exhaustion, we go there.

We know exactly how to torment ourselves best.

What's more, the very fact that I was and am horrified by these thoughts is reassuring; it means that I know these images are vile. I feel guilty and sickened when I think them because they are not who I am or what I intend to do.

I'm thinking of this truth lately as I've had some difficult feelings and thoughts about Soren. Nothing like violent images or impulses this time, but just ugly feelings and words that my mind uses to describe or think about Soren and his disability. I won't spell out what those are; they are horrifying and embarrassing, and I'd kick your butt if I ever heard you say them about my child. But I know that in the midst of stress and confusion, my mind is choosing the nastiest way it knows to question my ability and character as a mom. (I'm pretty clever that way.)

I am horrified, to be sure. But I'm not panicking. I'm giving myself a wide berth because right now, parenting feels hard and I'm pretty drained and emotional. I am oddly reassured that I am so embarrassed by these nasty thoughts because it shows these thoughts are incongruous with who I am as a parent. It's almost like my mind brings out these zingers just to keep me on my toes and see if I will fold under the embarrassment and self-disgust.

But today, dear mind of mine, I have your number. You're right--you've found the most shocking and nastiest images for me to stew over.  But I'm not taking the bait. This child of mine is loved, loved, loved. And I am a good mom.


-----
* Please seek help right away if you are experiencing any symptoms of postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. A great starting point for identifying symptoms and making a plan to get help is the site Postpartum Progress.

Ten happy things

• This new mug:

• Walking around Greenlake at 7 pm, and still light (for a few more weeks).
• This new bike trailer for Soren:

• Upcoming family reunion in Galveston, including a solo plane trip for me and a fully loaded Kindle.
• Trader Joe's chocolate-covered ginger.
• New school clothes and shoes (OK, fine, there were a few for me, too).
• Upcoming backyard remodel, including a play space for Soren. 
• First leaves turning. 
• Last-minute visits from moms and mothers-in-law. 
• Ketchup. 

What about you? What big and small things are making you smile?

Last days of summer

We've spent the last few weeks soaking up the very last of summer. Soren starts school (kindergarten!) tomorrow, but for today, we are remembering relaxing at the cabin, spending time at the grandparents' in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, and all the swimming, biking, kayaking, and lazing we fit in. I don't remember when I've enjoyed this season so much.

No pressure, really

Hey, you. Yes, you. The one with the knitted sweater that has sat 75% finished for the past four months. I give you permission to leave it (maybe for now and maybe for good) and start something new, perhaps something quick and easy and, ahem, fun. You know you want to. Here's your official green card.

Maybe you're like me--a bit compulsive, filled with self-imposed rules that help the world go round. No? Lucky duck. If you are, I get it. How you force yourself to finish projects--especially LEISURE projects--before you start new ones. You punish yourself to finish a boring book because, you know, that's the rule. There Can Be No Half-Finished Books. And we know where this leads us: no knitting, no reading, no fun.

In a conversation with my mom about a particularly stagnant book (The Lost City of Z, if you must know), we laughed when she gave me permission--using that word specifically--to quit the book and start a new, lighter one. It was just what I needed. It's sad that that permission had to come from outside, but I'll take it. How freeing!

Oh, I place pressure on myself in all areas of my life, but I've been noticing eroding pleasure in leisure and hobby time in particular. Knitting, reading, running, cooking, sewing, pilates have a sheen of "should" on them. And I want my fun back.

So this week, I started a new, easier knitting project (shocker: while my unfinished sweater project is still on the needles!). And I've put yet another serious book aside (it was about decluttering--how dreadful is that during downtime?). And I'm considering taking a few weeks off from running, since doing that has crossed over into "have to" instead of "get to" lately. I'm trying to make leisure gentle again.

The new knitting project. Happy sigh.

I'd love to know: Do you have internal rules that dampen your joy? How do you move beyond them?

Thankful: August

• The wonderful week spent at our La Conner cabin with my parents, such wonderful grandparents. Great food thanks to my mom, sleeping in, playing in the ocean, chores completed thanks to my dad, general silliness and fun times. So relaxing that I forgot what day it was. Grateful that we all get along like old college chums. And a fun-filled day (escaping Seattle heat) with my sister and her twin babies and toddler. So much little boy love! 

• A cabin day with my dear special-needs mom friends (no kids!), filled with talking and listening like no one else can. And wine. And wine. And promises of doing this quarterly.

• The summer that finally came to Seattle (okay, for two weeks). Warm enough to dry our clothes outside.
• Blackberries. That is all.
• Erik's purchase of a kayak. Finally, we can go together (and I can get over my irrational fear of orca whales swimming under my solo kayak and eating me).
• An upcoming blogging course, Blogging from the Heart. Really feels like back-to-school!

I'm hoping your August was filled with little blessings, too. What are you thankful for this month?

Summer at the cabin

Summertime means weekends at our cabin near La Conner, Washington. It's usually a 1.5-hour trip from Seattle, and once we arrive, everyone--even Gary the dog-- is a little calmer and happier. Here's a little tour of what we've been up to.

No, that's not an Instagram filter. The water really was that green. Guess who was first in?

Blackberries ripening!

We still need to work on technique at the track.

Waiting for dinner. Can't beat this view!

Brats for the boys.

I must have taken a similar shot hundreds of times. Sunset at the cabin never gets old.

New play equipment means work for Daddy, fun for Soren.

Quiet morning with (barely visible) cranes in the water.

Here's hoping that you had a beautiful weekend in your corner, too!