Birthday love overflows

You know that expression "warms the heart"? This Saturday I experienced that phenomenon firsthand. My heart was overflowing with affection and appreciation. It was like a nice brandy going down slowly, and I'm still feeling that glow.

Soren's birthday celebration was Saturday, and he loved it. I mean really loved it. He was giddy the whole afternoon. And I know that the reason he was happy was that his very favorite people were there (immediate family) and they all made a point to really connect with him on his preferred level. You should have seen the tickle fests and tree climbing and cuddling and book-reading. You should have seen that boy giggle and practically purr with delight.

I was worried that he'd be overwhelmed, weepy, asking to play on the iPad, or staying inside by himself. Instead, he was making gestures to engage with adults; he hovered around cousins riding trikes and playing on the slip-and-slide, definitely interested in the action. Of course we made some concessions for our guy: we let him go at the appetizers without monitoring (it's his birthday!), and I'm sure he ate a whole bag of chips. We gave him a little alone time to watch a movie inside. And we skipped presents and cake (too much production) in favor of a round of "Happy Birthday" and ice cream cones. Soren was in his glory. And I'm pretty sure his pure joy rubbed off on everyone there.

I can't tell you what this meant to me. For one, knowing that we can find ways to really reach Soren and help him feel our love is so very hopeful for me. And two, I just love that others love my child. It's as simple as that, and I know that sentiment is not limited only to special-needs kids. Everything feels right with the world when others can see the beauty that is our children, a beauty that we parents--all parents--sometimes worry is seen only by us.

So to our family, I say: You made Soren's day. It was flawless. And you are still warming this mama's heart.

Celebrating a birthday, funky style

Soren's fifth birthday is coming up, and I'm about to send out save-the-date emails to family members. This year, I'm hoping to craft a day that is meaningful to both Soren and us, even though that will look different from the typical fifth birthday celebration. For example, I'm asking for no gifts. Really and firmly. They just don't make sense for Soren, and it makes for awkwardness for the parents and giftgivers. Instead, I'll be asking for cards or donations to our local Autism Center.

Soren and Uncle Jason at his second birthday. Love those chubby little piggies!

Fourth birthday with pizza (crust first, naturally).

The prep work has me thinking about what I'd like others to know about how to "do" birthdays for a special child. Here are some tips:

• Ask about gifts ahead of time. Toys are tricky--some kids like ours don't really play with toys or play obsessively with only a few kinds of them, and the developmental level of toys enjoyed may be lower or higher than you'd expect. But some parents may need specific items for therapy, like puzzles or stickers, or clothes.
• Come to a party or gathering with no expectations. Join us on our zen autism journey of just letting things unfold. Don't expect participation in blowing out candles, posing for pictures, or any opening of gifts. If our boy spends his birthday mostly watching the Cars movie or climbing trees, or if we end things early, let that be okay, because it certainly is okay with the birthday boy and us. 
• Remember that our kids may not understand the whole concept and importance of birthdays. 
• Birthday gatherings are sensory experiences: lots of people, lots of activity, probably new and different food, like birthday cake, and lots of attention. This can be really overwhelming for some kids like ours, and they may need to take a break in a separate room or by watching a movie on the iPad. This isn't rude; it's what we have to do to help our kids regulate.
• Even though we do the birthday thing differently, the parents of special needs kids still love it that you adore and celebrate our child. We'd love it if you could ask us what's special to our kid and how he can best feel love on his special day. For Soren, for example, it's wrestling, chasing, and tickling. It's unorthodox, but that's how you can relate to him, way more than with a cool new Lego set.
• Birthdays are emotional and bittersweet for the parents of special needs kids. They remind us how our kids are different, and how advancing age means a greater gulf between our kids and your typical kids. Help us by celebrating how much you appreciate our child's strengths, not what he can or can't do. Don't ask us how speech is progressing (it isn't) or how well toilet training is going (it's not even on our radar); ask us how Soren likes swimming with Daddy or what he loves to do these days. Reminisce with us about the day he was born. 

Now, on to the celebration!